


It's Quiet Uptown

by Geronimoandbemagnificent



Series: Parent!Phan [4]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, DO NOT READ IF YOU'RE SENSITIVE TO THIS TOPIC, Depression, Doctor - Freeform, Family, Hospital, M/M, Overdose, Suicide, angst with happy ending, family au, im so so sorry, im so sorry, its happy in the end, self harm mention, tw:suicide attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-07
Updated: 2016-12-07
Packaged: 2018-09-07 02:16:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8779204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Geronimoandbemagnificent/pseuds/Geronimoandbemagnificent
Summary: DO NOT READ IF YOURE SENSITIVE TO SUICIDE ATTEMPTS Winston sees the end of the road and decides to take some of Dan's antidepressants. This is what follows.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Im so sorry. It ends well I promise. 
> 
> Songs used are Dear Theodosia and It's Quiet Uptown. 
> 
> I don't own anything other than Winston and Teddy.

"Winnie?" Phil called from the kitchen. "Dan, where's Winnie?"

"Bathroom." Dan called from the couch. He'd sat down to create an outline for his new video, however it quickly turned into a round of Facebook games. “Having a bath I think.”

"Winnie's been in there for a while." He walked out, balancing three tea cups in his hands, a feat for Klutzy Phil Lester. He walked back to get the last cup ready for when their son came out of the bath.

Dan hummed a _thank you_ , taking the steaming cup. He sipped the drink, warmth coursing through his veins. He loved London, but it was too cold sometimes. "Teddy Bear, is everything okay with Winnie at school?"

Teddy thought for a moment, scrolling through his tumblr. "He's fine. He probably used one of those bath bombs, he's just been stressed with balancing A-levels and his footie team."

Phil scowled, knowing Teddy was hiding something. Something acidic broiled in the pit of Phil's stomach. Fear. "Edward James Howell, what's going on." His voice strained.

"Nothing, Papa." Teddy snapped. Dan and Phil shared glance, each noticing the other's fear in their eyes. They'd been through too many _'almost'_ s in three months for the therapist to recommend a psych ward for Winnie to go to.

( _Well, Kelly what can I do? They're just thoughts._ Teddy heard Winnie say through the walls. _I'd never act on them._

_Winnie, you've gotta tell your parents._

_You don't understand. No one would bat an eye if I was gone._

_You're fucking lying, Winnie. You bloody well know I would miss you._

_Sure._

When he confronted Winnie the next day, he hadn't recalled any of the conversation.)

_Fuck, fuck shit. What if he—_

"Dad? I-I need to tell you something." Teddy said, moving closer to his dad. Dan raised an eyebrow. "Winn’s had some...rough thoughts."

The color drained from Dan's face. "What kind of thoughts, teddy?"

"He's been in the bath for almost an hour. I'm going to check on him. Bring him a cuppa." Phil talked over Dan, the calm in his voice fading quickly. He walked up the stairs, fear knotting his stomach.

He knocked on the bathroom door to no answer. "Winn?" He tried the doorknob. Locked. "Winston Michael, please, open this door." He pounded on the door.

 _He was just listening to his music. He's just relaxing_. Phil tried to calm himself down. He couldn't think of any worse scenario. _Winston would tell you if there was anything the matter._

He banged on the door again. No answer.

"Fuck, fuck, shit, Winnie, please open the door. Pooh Bear, please." The cup of tea smashed on the floor as he rammed his shoulder on the door, unhinging the door. "No no no, oh God—Daniel!"

Phil ran over to his son, ignoring the throbbing pain in his shoulder. He was too focused on not throwing up. Winnie hadn't even left a note, he was just lying on the tile, Dan’s bottle of antidepressants next to his body, the rest of the bottle spilled on the floor. "Fuck, Daniel, come here, call 999! Do fucking something!"

Dan ran upstairs to see Winnie, the light and love radiating from his body now limp and cold. He felt dinner run up his throat as he fumbled to call emergency services.

Winnie started to shake violently, struggling to breathe. His eyelids fluttered at an alarming rate. He began to throw up. Phil thanked whatever God was above, Winnie was throwing up the pills. He was unconscious, but he was throwing them up.

"Hello, yes, yes, ma'am. Dan Howell. My son swallowed I don't know how many pills over an hour and he's laying on the floor. We need help—I think he's having a seizure and I don't know what to do." Dan's words ran together through his tears. The woman, unfortunately able to decipher what he said through sob-speak, calmly asked for their address and sent an ambulance. They rolled their son on his side so he wouldn't choke on his puke, Dan having to pry Winnie out of Phil’s grasp.

"What's going on?" A small voice came from the boy behind them.

"Your brother—he tried to—" Teardrops stained the blue of Phil's jeans, he couldn't think or breathe. "He's not gone, he can't be gone." He turned and threw up in the bin. He wiped his mouth with toilet paper and resumed petting Winnie’s hair.

"Did you know what he was planning?" Dan asked, his voice rising, he didn't know if it was from fear or anger. Teddy sunk to his knees, tears steaming down his face. Dan was interrupted by a loud knock on their front door. "I-I have to go answer the door."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I should've told you. He said he wouldn't act on anything and then he yelled at me for even saying something to him." Teddy wrapped his arms around Winnie's waist. "Wake up, please."

  
“Winnie? Cmon wake up, please.”

Phil carded his fingers through Teddy's hair. "It's not your fault."

Three women came and dashed up the steps. "We need to take him to the nearest hospital to have his stomach pumped."

Dan carried his son down the three flights of stairs and helped him onto the stretcher.

"I wanna go too." Teddy stood up and went to run for the door. He was stopped by Phil's arms holding his.

"You've got school tomorrow." Phil's voice was shaky as he pressed kisses to his son's curly hair.

"No! I won't go, I have to be with him. I have to, I ha-ve to. He can't die." Teddy's voice cracked as he struggled to hold back tears. "It's my fault."

“it's not your fault.” Phil whispered hoarsely.

  
“I didn't tell anyone, it's my fault.”

  
“You didn't know he was going to act on it.”

  
“Papa, I want Winn.” Teddy clutched at Phil's shirt and sobbed. They sank back to the floor, Phil trying to calm his son when he was on the brink of an anxiety attack. “I want Winnie.”

  
“It'll be okay, it'll all be okay.” Phil led Teddy onto his and Dan’s bed, holding his son tightly, tears streaming onto the pillowcase. “Never mind school. Let's just get to tomorrow.”

  
**To Dan:** I love you.

  
~*~

  
“Sir, we need you to let go of your daughter’s hand.” The nurse said gently, rubbing Dan’s back. He'd pushed his son’s long sleeved shirt up, revealing scarred over cuts.

  
“He’s my son,” he snapped. “I'm sorry, I'm-I'm so sorry. He’s my son. I c-I can't. I need to stay here with him.” Dan’s voice was soft and strained from sobbing into his son’s hair. Why had he never told them he was feeling like this again?

  
Winnie looked a shell of what he was. He was connected by wires and IV medication. He’d ended up in the ICU, and Dan was shocked at the utter sadness. The amount of crying and yelling from other patient’s parents seemed to surround him.

  
“Visitation hours have ended,” the nurse said softly. Dan choked out a sob. He was one of the lucky ones. Winnie had slipped into a coma, but still had a heartbeat. “We’ll do more tests on him tomorrow.”

  
“Please. Please. Let me stay with him tonight.” He clutched onto the arm that didn't have an IV in it. He wished that she could reassure him that everything would be okay, that Winston would wake up the next morning, he was just asleep. He pressed kisses to Winston's forehead, shaken by how cold he was under Dan’s lips.

  
“Just for tonight. Please do try to eat something, Mr. Howell.” She said, closing the door behind them. Dan immediately ran to the bathroom shared with the other patient next door and threw up the tea Phil had made, barely making it to the toilet. He tried to block out the crying next door, trying to distance himself from getting attached to a problem that he couldn't fix. He didn't even know if he could fix Winnie's.

  
He called for a bottle of water, not wanting to leave his son’s side. He took small sips, Phil would want him to stay hydrated.

  
“My dear, dear, Winston. My poet, my child. M-my son. I don't know how. I don't know how you got ahold of those pills. I thought I locked them up.” Dan rested his head in his hand, the other squeezing Winnie’s. “I'm so sorry.”

  
“ _Dear Winston Howell, what to say to you? You have Phil’s eyes, you picked one of our names. When you came into the world you cried, and it broke my heart._ ” He kissed his son’s knuckles. “ _I dedicate every day to you two. Domestic life was never in my plans, then you smiled. You knocked me out I fall apart, I thought I was so smart._ ”

  
“You have a beautiful voice.” The nurse knocked on the door, bottle of water in hand. Dan jumped and stifled a sob.

  
“T-thank you.” He sniffed. “It’s his favorite song. My husband and I used to sing him and his brother to sleep—”

  
The nurse said nothing, she knew nothing, she just rubbed Dan’s back in small circles.

  
“Why does everything hurt so bad? Why didn't I know?” Dan stuttered out a breath.

  
“I'm sorry, sir.” Was all she could say.

  
“It's not your fault, I-it's mine.” He pressed another kiss to his son’s palm. “Why couldn't I have stopped him? I thought he was just in the bath.”

  
“I don't know sir, I'm so sorry.” Her American accent pierced through the air, she sounded southern. It was nice. It reminded him of the midwife that helped delivered his children.

"I used to teach him piano, though he liked to sing instead. He'd always—he'd always change the melody. He's so bright. He's so bright." Dan kissed Winston's palm. The nurse left soon after and Dan checked his message from Phil. He immediately clicked on the contact and phoned him.

  
“I love you,” Was all he could muster when Phil picked up. “I love you so much.”

  
“ _It's not your fault_.” Phil’s voice was soft and ragged from crying and Dan wanted to reach through the phone and hug him and Teddy.

  
“How's Teddy?”

  
“ _He fell asleep about a half hour ago. I was going to go make tea, but I—I couldn't get myself to leave the bedroom. I can't._ ” Phil’s voice wavered. “ _Could I, could I talk to Winnie please?_ ”

  
Dan put his phone on speaker, resting it on Winston’s pillow.

  
“ _Winnie, Pooh Bear. I need you, I need you to get better. You could've told us you felt like this, we could've done something. I love you, Pooh Bear._ ” Phil’s voice cracked at the silence he received, aside from the beeps from the vent and the pulse machine. “ _I need you to wake up, darling. Teddy needs you. Daddy needs you. I need you. You are so loved, Bear. I need you to wake up so I can hug you again. I need your smile again. It's time to wake up, darling._ ”

  
Dan shushed his husband’s sobs over the phone. “It's going to be okay, it'll all be okay.”

  
“ _God I hope so._ ”

  
~*~

  
“ _There are just, some things that words can't reach._ ” Phil began, his eyes red rimmed. He grabbed Dan’s hand. “ _Funny, it's like It’s Quiet Uptown._ ” He let out a bitter laugh.

  
“ _We-we we, we are, we can't, the Howell family is going to take a break. From YouTube. Something has happened in our family we can't even begin to describe_.” Dan pulled a sobbing Phil into a hug, kissing his temple.

  
“ _We just—we can't put on a face right now, and act like everything is okay_.” Phil rested his hand on Dan’s waist.

  
Dan and Phil made an uncut update video in the next couple of days on how they'll be on an indefinite hiatus. They were well off in savings and the pull from YouTube that they could afford to do so. They didn't mention Winnie's attempt or hospitalization. They didn't mention Teddy’s move to homeschooling.

  
Phil heard a crash before they left for the hospital that day, Dan had thrown his phone. He'd smashed the screen—too many people asking on social media platforms about the family, about Winston. If they were getting a divorce. He could barely tell Louise, much less their parents.

  
It was so much worse.

  
Louise, Hazel, Jack, and Dean all visited almost daily to check up on Winston. They'd brought teddy bears and blankets, food for the three of them. Jack brought Teddy his favorite comic book volume to keep him occupied on something other than old family vlogs. There was too much hugging and not enough tissues.

  
The Lesters came down and sat with Winston when they forced out the Howells to take a shower, sleep in their own beds. Well, Teddy slept with his fathers for the first time in years. Dan bought a new phone to replace the old. He smiled at the thought of a Rose Gold iPhone, Winston’s favorite colour. He broke down in the middle of the BT Mobile store.

  
_There is suffering too terrible to name._

  
Teddy brought Winnie’s stuffed doll and a quilt to keep him warm. “It's so cold in here, so we brought you Winky and your quilt. Please get better Bubby.” It was almost like Teddy was a child again. “I know we fight a lot, but I love you, a-and I need you.”

  
Phil wrapped his arms around Teddy, letting the exhaustion in his body take over as they cried endless tears.

  
_You hold your child as tight as you can, and push away the unimaginable._

  
“I'm sorry, it's my fault. I can't—I heard him tell Kelly he was thinking about it, I never thought he'd act on them. I thought he would if I'd told you.” He said.

  
Phil pushed back Teddy’s curly locks, kissing his forehead. “It's not your fault.”

  
_There are moments when you're in so deep, it feels easier to just swim down._

  
Dan found Teddy with a razor to his skin in his bedroom, unable to make a cut. Dan rushed into the room, snatching away the object, gathering his son in his arms. “We don't know if we've lost Winnie. We can't lose you too.”

  
“It's my fault, Daddy. It's my fault.” Teddy sobbed into Dan’s shoulder.

  
_They learn to live with the unimaginable._

  
Dan and Phil took turns staying with Winston, they practically lived at the hospital for the next month. They forgo class for Teddy for the rest of the year, homeschooling him the best they can.

  
Dan often found himself in the chapel, on his knees, reteaching the Hail Mary and Our Fathers to himself. He had nothing to believe in before, why not try now?

  
_I pray, that never used to happen before._

  
The priest knocked on the door, providing solace in the unwelcoming Doctor’s visits that only confirmed Winston comatose. He was welcoming of Winston’s gender, saying the Lord does not judge what we do but our soul’s intent. Phil soon found himself praying as well.

  
_Don't take our Winston away from us just yet. Please._

  
One night when Dan and Teddy had fallen asleep on the fold out futon, Phil found himself sitting at the door of Winston’s bed when he felt a kick. Phil's heart swelled with love, and he let out a cry, grasping at his son’s hand.

  
“Whassat? Phil, what's going on?” Dan jumped, awakening.

  
“I felt him kick. He's still comatose and the doctor said he may move, but he's alive, Bear. He's still alive.” He bounced up and hugged Dan tightly, tears streaming down their faces. It was like Winston and Teddy were babies again.

  
“He's still alive.” Dan repeated, almost like a prayer. He looked up at the ceiling, silently thanking God. That's all they had right now.

  
~*~

  
“Daddy?” The voice that came from the bed was small, afraid. Phil sprung up from the chair, and called out for the nurse. Teddy was lured out of the hospital for the day to spend with Grammy and Grampy Lester. “Papa?”

  
“Dan, Dan! Oh God, Dan he's awake!” He cried into Dan’s hair. The Doctor ran in, a nurse in tow. The nurse from the first night. Dan shared a misty smile with her as the doctor spoke.

  
“Congratulations Mr. and Mr. Howell, your son is awake. He’ll only be up for a little while. Let him sleep so he can regain strength.” Dr. Landis smiled. “We’ll keep him here for a couple more days to run some more tests, to make sure the Cymbalta is fully out of his system.” He looked up from his papers, seeing Phil fidget, and look to his son and back at the doctor. “We’ll have to send him to the psychiatric ward for a few days when he fully recovers to put him on medication and keep an eye on him.”

  
“May I?” Phil asked, fussing with the blankets around his son, trying to somehow make a shield, to try to hide Winston from any more fear and anguish.

  
“Of course. But be gentle please.” Dr. Landis said, and Phil clambered on the hospital bed, wrapping his arms around his son.

  
“Pooh Bear,” Phil cried as he hugged Winston, trying not to cry harder as the hug was reciprocated from the boy for the first time in three weeks. “Pooh Bear, you're okay.”

  
“Papa…” Winston replied, tears in his own eyes. “I-I'm so sorry.”

  
“Don't worry about it, my love. My dear Winston.” He cried into Winston's hair. Dan took a picture, smiling for the first time in what seemed like forever. "You're here. That's what matters. You're here."

  
_Forgiveness. Can you imagine?_

  
He called his mother in law to tell her the good news.

  
“Bubby, do you want to talk to Teddy?” Phil asked. A weak nod was the reply.

  
“Hi Chummy.” Winston's voice was ragged. Phil could hear Teddy crying over the other side of the phone.

  
“ _Hi Bubby. Finally decided to wake up?_ ” Teddy tried to joke through his tears. Winston laughed, turning into coughs immediately.

  
“I love you, Chummy.”

  
“ _I love you more, Bubby_.”

  
Teddy, Grammy and Grampy came in record time to hug Winston. “You've given us all a good frighten.” Grammy Lester laughed, petting Winston's hair gently. 

  
They let Winston sleep for the rest of the day, IV food keeping him full. Dan had curled behind his son, falling asleep soon after Winston did. “ _You will come of age with our generation. We’ll bleed and fight for you. Make it right for you. If we lay a strong enough foundation, we’ll pass it onto you. We’ll give the world to you and you’ll blow us all away_.” Dan softly sang, kissing Winston’s head. Winston laced his fingers with Dan’s, shifting gently in his sleep.

Phil carded his fingers through Teddy's hair. " _Yeah, you'll blow us all away. Someday, someday._ " He kissed Teddy's forehead, and they all fell asleep, content for the first time in almost a month. 

_They are going through the unimaginable._

When Winston was released from Bridges a week after, he hugged his fathers and his brother harder than anyone thought possible. 

"All I want is to curl you up in a blanket and take you home. We can watch Spirited Away and order in. How does that sound?" Phil asked the three of them. They smiled and nodded. The life was slowly, but surely, coming back into Winston's eyes. 

They would be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are appreciated. This is unbeta'ed. Very unlike me but I had to finish it and get it out to y'all so it didn't stay in my docs forever.


End file.
